She's here!

It's true. There's a new member of our family who is a month old (at least when I'm writing this). And....she's great. She's like a little living doll. OK, so far.

Aside from my nursing issues (I thought about devoting a whole post to that, but I've already dedicated enough angst to it, so I think I am mostly angst-ed out...)this time around has been easier. I know anything can change at any moment with a newborn, but I am trying to enjoy this while it lasts.

After having a first child who had her issues (and colic?) as a newborn, having a newborn who is, thus far, more "mellow" makes me much more fully appreciate all the joys of newbornhood. They're sweet. They're snuggly. They rely on you for all their basic needs and they're content when you meet them and don't want much more. They go where you put them. This time, with my second and last child, I'm trying hard to enjoy every second of the good, bad and ugly because I know how quickly the time evaporates into thin air.

I want to put every snuggle into a jar and pull it out later when she's a teenager, but I can't do that. I love when she grabs my finger when I'm feeding her. I love when she gurgles and coos. I love when she looks around, utterly clueless about what on earth is going on around her. And I love when she just puts up with being overly loved by her big sister. The last time I had a newborn I was unsure, utterly exhausted, and trying hard to survive those first several weeks(I did, thank goodness). This time is different. Phew!

What I've learned from C is that every stage seems to get better, but you can never go back. So, here we go.

Easy

Before this pregnancy ends, which will be not long from now, I have to say that it's just been.....easy....and for that I am extremely grateful. Oh, don't get me wrong, there have been some of the usual complaints: the god-forsaken reflux, the fact that sometimes I just can't find a comfortable way to sit so I'm constantly changing position like one of those animatronic dolls at bad amusement parks (put arm behind backrest, slump forward, lean to the side, repeat), and then there's the tightness of my stomach, which feels like you could pop it with a pin sometimes.

Yeah, those things aside, it's been good. I'm of "advanced maternal age" but all of my tests results have been great. My blood pressure is still low for now. My doctor visits are downright fun. I look forward to them. I haven't felt that way in a long time.


In short, (and I know I have four weeks left but...) best pregnancy ever! Maybe if I wasn't so aged-impaired I could have made extra cash as a surrogate. Would I still get maternity leave if I wasn't taking care of a screaming infant all night? That doesn't sound too bad really.

It bears repeating that I'm grateful.

Last week, C's new preschool sent a message out about one of the preschooler's moms, who has rectal cancer. She had surgery and treatment last year while taking care of an infant and a three year old. I read some of her blog, (you should too, btw) which was humbling for two reasons. For one, it's so eloquently written and rich with metaphor, yet completely buck-naked honest and grounded in reality, that it made me a little sheepish about the failings of my own little blog. But what can I say, I gotta own it, even for all that it's not. (And it seems she's a freelance writer, so I can't beat myself up too much.)

The second humbling thing is the unbelievable craziness she goes through and is willing to share. Let me say that it doesn't sound like a fun type of cancer (oh yeah, I suppose there isn't one). It did make me feel though that my experience with chordoma WAS fun in comparison. In part, that's because she genuinely has faced (and continues to face) bigger challenges than I did. But I think it's also because some of my ickier moments, both mentally and physically, have started fading to the back of my consciousness. Life is moving on.

She's in China now for two months, away from her family for all that time for an experimental treatment. Her surgery and treatment here last year didn't cover all the bases.

I sincerely hope that she has the same luxuries I have had; that today's experiences will fade to the background, that life will move on, and that some things will be easy again.

3.5 (and some change)

Wow. The baby is completely gone now. You are undeniably a little girl. Though, you still won't accept the "big girl" title (unless it's convenient). I guess you're not ready yet for that kind or responsibility. It's probably a wise move.

You're clever, creative, and funnier every day. And, frustratingly sometimes, you're almost always right about everything! A keen observer with an eye for detail, I guess. Didn't come from me.

More, um, challenging aspects of your personality lately include a penchant toward baby-talk (maybe you've decided to regress even before the new baby is born?) Also, there's the fact that I'm trying to grow out your bangs and you refuse to wear barrettes 99% of the time, which means you look less tidy than Shaggy Doo and it drives grandmothers and great grandmothers kuh-razy (which, luckily they complain about to me instead of to you). It is often challenging to get you to sleep-sleep before 9. You hate to be unintentionally wet (like your hair or a random body party) which can be really taxing, because what's the big deal? Your meltdowns are rare but when they happen, they can be doozies.

You still get the hiccups after a good laughing fit (I understand this might be a permanent condition, poor thing). I love that you love babies (and hopefully that will come in handy in October) and you get so much joy from them. Your imagination is really active and engaged now. You can have a dialogue amongst a whole family of rubber ducks and it's fun to watch. You are still an enthusiastic dancer and photo stylist. Exhibit A: the photo above.

I think you have great patience for a 3.5 year old and I'm sincerely grateful.

I love when you say "That's for sure!" and "Trust me." and "Frijoles"with a perfect Spanish accent.

As excited as I am to see you become a big sister, I am trying to soak up and enjoy these last few weeks as a mother of one and a mother of you. And I'm really glad that I've had as much time as I have had to appreciate only you.

The section

For this, my second time at the rodeo, I am more than likely having a C-section. I've pretty much known this was the way to go since before I got pregnant this time, but there's still some processing involved on my end.

For my last rodeo, I went all natural. It was one of, if not the, most amazing experiences of my life and I couldn't believe I had accomplished it. Everyone's childbirth is amazing no matter how it happens. For me, I dare say that it was so incredible that at the time I was so full of adrenaline that having this live baby as a result almost seemed like a bonus on top of it all. The pain was kinda like getting a tattoo. It hurts A LOT but as soon as you're done you want another one (probably for the better, almost 20 years later, I still just have the one tattoo.)

I need to document the whole birthstory fully before some of the more minor details evaporate out of my head. You can skip that post if birthstories are as thrilling to you as the world poker tour, but that brings me to my next point....


That experience made me fall in love with the whole process of childbirth. I won't lie, I've thought of becoming a doula. Sure, the hours would be odd, but you can get great parking spaces at odd hours. And supporting and observing someone in the process of childbirth just seems like fun to me.


Another reason the section is *something to process* is the lack of surprise. I like the idea of the baby coming out whenever he/she decides. For me, going into labor naturally didn't have the hysteria that it does on sitcoms, but it was exciting, in a fun way.

If I had ideal circumstances, I would probably have gone the birth center route this time around. My doctor and nurses at the hospital were very supportive, but I think it does make a difference to be in a place where a natural birth is more the norm than the rarity. While in labor I did kind of feel like the last polar bear at times.


Despite all this processing though, I'm totally at peace with a section. For one, there's no point risking injury to my sacrum if I don't have to. For two, there's no point in worrying about injuring my sacrum if I don't have to. For three, childbirth is the exception to the rule where the reward is in the journey. As everyone knows, with childbirth, the reward is the outcome, namely, the baby. I think a lot of us forget that sometimes, especially with first pregnancies. A lot of people (hello? me, for instance) get wrapped up in all things pregnancy and childbirth and then, poof, suddenly there is this baby you have to take care of and THAT'S a totally different experience.

So, while I might miss having the excitement and experience of my last childbirth, and from what I've heard, the C-section recovery is no Sunday brunch, I'm OK with it.


I'm grateful to have my stomach cut open.

Here's where I insert a smiley emoticon.

Cynical me

Well, I got a little grief for my last post. It was too new agey and full of "crap".

Maybe.

This wasn't quite the feedback I was expecting for that post, but hey, fair enough. (And don't worry, I got mostly great, positive feedback, but you blog readers are a shy bunch and are afraid to post comments on the blog itself, so you usually just email me directly.)

This blog thing is, admittedly, the most self-absorbed practice going, so it's only fair to take some lumps for it now and then.

Here's my take though: In case it hasn't come across in the posts of the past couple of years, I'm trying to shift some of my thinking to a more positive place.

Maybe it's because focusing on what might be negative outcomes in my life was not really working out for me and that's become more clear to me in the past couple of years.

Don't get me wrong, I love sarcasm and cynicism as much, no, probably more, than the next guy. I've thrived on it for most of my life. It's my sense of humor and it's a lot of who I am.

I will never forget standing at a friend's locker my freshman year in high school ranting about something and one of the smartest guys in school, overhearing our conversation, declared, "You're so cynical!" At the time I didn't know what that word meant and I wasn't sure if I should be offended or not, but I was pretty sure he was probably right.


So lately, I'm trying to balance being cynical me with focusing on more positives in my life. I don't really know how it's supposed to work, but maybe just keeping cynicism for humor and trying my best not to dwell on the negative too much. And most of all trying to be grateful. Trust me, it's not always easy.


But that last post was really just genuinely me. Feelings and thoughts that I had over the past few months, as I truly felt them. And I promised I would be honest with this blog, so there you go.


And really, haven't I served up my share negative "crap" on this blog as it is?

Trust your intuition. The universe is guiding your life.

I got this message on a fortune cookie several months back. It resonated with me and my experiences of the past couple of years. Not so much the intuition part, I'm not really sure that I'm so in touch with that yet, but with the "universe guiding my life" part.

So, I took it with me and taped it to my computer at work and I look at it almost every day.

Remember at the end of last year/beginning of this one, I wasn't having the best time ever and I was remarking here, how sometimes things seem to get worse and worse.

But, then again, around this time last year, there was this. And while it might not seem like much, it reminded me at the time that amazingly good things can happen. And they do.

Somehow, that brings me to my fertility "issues". Back in the fall, things weren't looking promising. (A lot of flashbacks in this post, no?) I was disappointed for sure, but not for very long. We just gave ourselves 4 months left to our own devices and we figured we'd get some intervention after that time.

At the beginning of the fourth month, I started feeling hesitant about starting up fertility treatments the following month. I just didn't feel quite ready. I'd been through 2/3 of the process of IVF before (albeit in a very rushed timeframe) so I knew it wasn't too bad. And I have a great repro/endo, but all the same, something was holding me back a bit.

I thought about maybe trying some alternative therapies for a couple of months. But still, in the back of my mind I also thought, "It could still happen." And I tried my best to shift that thought to "It will happen."

In that last month, I found out I was (am) pregnant.

Amazing things CAN happen.

I apologize if I'm sounding too new-agey lately, but I do think things happen for a reason. I think this was meant to happen exactly when and how it did. Maybe in part because I needed another reminder that amazing things can happen.

I don't know, but I am just grateful.

Nothing more than feelings

Appalling amount of time since I blogged last. Anyhoo. I've had a slightly quirky thing going on in my head lately. It's this underlying feeling that something really bad will happen in a dramatic fashion at any moment. I feel sometimes like I will get into a car crash (or even get hit by a car when I'm walking on the sidewalk!) I've been in enough car accidents to know that paranoid feeling shortly after being in an accident, but I have never really had this paranoia spontaneously before. Of course, the worst scenario is that something bad will happen to C. Those thoughts cross my mind much more often than I'd like. Here's the thing: I'm not much of a worrywart in general. I never have been. So, I find this kind of thinking out of character for me. When I try to do some self-diagnosis with my advanced degree in bullshit psychiatry, I arrive at a few possible causes: *There is some after-effect of the chordoma experience that is causing me to have some (mostly) irrational fears? *I am a mom now, and that just makes you crazy. *This winter has put my thoughts in a dark place. Or some combination of these three? Maybe this is quite common? I don't know. I have to say, it makes my intention to manifest only positive stuff somewhat challenging, but I'm trying.

where's the damn lamb?

Ugh. I've been pretty uninspired to blog lately. And it doesn't feel like spring yet. In fact, it's the first day of spring and there is snow that has stuck to the ground. Unacceptable. I would have forgiven it if it had disappeared after an hour or so, but, seriously winter? After what we've been through?

Here's a recap of the lowlights of March:

1. We haven't had nearly enough warm days.
2. That little plague I mentioned earlier.
3. Our basement flooded....whee!
4. We came home yesterday to find that part of our fence was falling over...woot!
5. I became even older
6. That corned beef was way fatty and way grosser than when I had it at a friends house. I have to say it again. Gross.

And because I am trying to focus on the positive lately, here are some highlights. Let's see if I can get to 6, ready?:

1. It appears we are no longer being sued. I am still too paranoid to blog about that, but when I am 100% sure of this, I will.
2. I raised over $500 for the chordoma foundation with my facebook campaign. I almost feel guilty about how easy it was. I didn't have to run, bike, walk or so much as peel my butt off a seat, but I am thrilled about it nonetheless. (Thanks again to you donaters, you know who you are).
3. C's excitement about my birthday.
4. Fun with friends
5. I am a year older and chordoma-free
6. Pretzel M&Ms. I know this treasure is probably old news by now, but I don't know where I was. And, they're even lower in fat (I think that's because they can't fit as many in a bag).

There. I did it.

Little Plagues

Last weekend was a doozy. C started this horrendous stomach bug on Thursday night and it lasted through Monday. It was plum awful. It involved constant cleanup, lots of begging of her to drink fluids, a lot of tummy-ache, and lots of lethargy. Oh, and far more TV than any child should watch, really. But she was so out of it, I'm not sure she was actually watching it most of the time.

It's no fun at all to see your child suffer and she is generally pretty tough, so that makes it tougher. We ended up stopping by the ER on Saturday, as advised by our pediatrician's office. Over 3 hours and a $150 popsicle later, we left. Sometimes you have to suffer to be on the safe side. Or most times?

You also have to suffer for having bragged about how healthy your child has been all winter. So a bit shut-up shout-out goes to me.

There are few upsides to these little plagues. One upside is that I am so comforting to her. I love that. I like to try to make her feel better. In the middle of Friday night, she got in bed with me (D was away) and since she rarely sleeps with us, it was really nice to wake up with her and then sleep in together until late in the morning. I also like that when we told her we had to go to the hospital, she would say, "I feel better already!" although she clearly didn't. It was sad and funny at the same time.

The other good thing is that when she starts to recover, I am just so grateful, that I really appreciate the three year old energy again.

Three Fingers

Yes, it's been over a month since your birthday, so I'm rather behind on your 6 month tribute.

I was looking at old videos of you tonight and you're growing out of your babyhood. It's funny to hear you talking in the videos because you look so young. I can't believe you were talking then. You're a little girl now. Even in the past few months you've had some major milestones....

Kicking the paci to the curb

Becoming (mostly) potty trained

Learning all the letters that "live" and your name and being generally curious about letters

You sleep in a big girl bed.

You remember events much better now. You make more connections to people and things. Context seems to be a growing part of your understanding.

We are the center of your world (as you are ours). I often, often think that when I look back on these days when you say I am a beautiful princess that I will miss them very much as I become less worshipped when you're older. I try to relish it now.

Sometimes you call me "mother". I'm not sure where you got this.

You have your moments, but you are generally very good natured (maybe we're in a good phase?) Sometimes when I am trying to talk you into or out of something, I am really surprised to hear you say, "OK, Mom." Maybe you sense that I just need to be let off the hook.

You do love to dance, do gymnastics, and sing. You are unabashedly proud of yourself as you're doing all these things too. If only we all had a three year old's confidence.

You're still into all things pink, princess, sparkly, tinkerbell, ballerina, and talent show.

One of your favorite activities is to cram things into places where they don't belong. I try my darndest not to get frustrated by this, but it is hard.

You love to give hugs. You love to buy presents for your friends (even when you're not getting anything). You have your favorites and you frequently want to have friends over.

You often call out, "I'm lonely." to get us to come and pay attention to you.

You are sometimes pretty grumpy when you are awoken unexpectedly and it sometimes lead to irrational anger ("I hate hippos." "I hate money.")

You are simply the greatest and I love you.

Check, check and check

Friday I got the final word and I was ready to party.

There's really nothing seriously wrong with me. Medically speaking, anyway.

Oh, the Friday before last I got my CT scan results (just before our weekend getaway, woo-hoo) and while I have "ground glass" nodule(s) on my lung(s), they are not of immediate concern. They should just be followed. I wish I could learn to stop eating glass objects, but they're so crunchy and delicious.

This past Friday I had a cystoscopy with the urologist and he confirmed that there is nothing wrong with my bladder. I may just be having blood in my urine as a lingering effect of radiation, but that too is not a cause for concern.

Boy that test felt funny. Not the good funny. But the feeling didn't last. Oh, and let me know if you need a urologist. This guy is good.

Just so I can feel a sense of accomplishment for running around to doctors, only to discover that I'm fine, I've decided to quantify the past couple of months:

9 medical office visits which included:

2 x chest X-rays
1 x MRI
1 x CT scan
1 x cystoscopy
1 x ultrasound
3 x labs
3 x urine tests

A recipe for good health.

It ain't what it ain't

I'll start with the good news.

On January 6th I had my MRI and follow-up appointment to look at my situation one year post-surgery. In sum, it looks good. They don't see any recurrence. That's always a pretty huge relief, really, though I think this time around I've been distracted by all these other wacky health issues so I didn't have time to get too nervous about THAT.

My radiation oncologist was accompanied by a resident, which is typical, but also a college freshman this time. He asked them (and me) if they wanted to feel the site on my (much) lower back where I'd been treated. The freshman was adorable. She had on a lab coat and was holding something very generic like, "The Handbook of Oncology" but she also had a folded-up copy of Eat, Pray, Love in her lab coat pocket. I guess this is the first time I've had someone with less education than me feeling my surgery site, but so be it I guess. Maybe in 10-12 years she will be a superstar oncologist and I will be clamoring to get an appointment with her and can remind her that I let her touch my backside while she was still deciding on her major.

Here's the not-so-good news: They called this past Friday and want me to have a chest CT scan because my chest x-ray (that I have at the same time as the MRI) showed a nodule on my lung. A nodule has shown up in the past and I've been told it's no biggie, but it's still somewhat alarming. And somewhat frustrating. And it's complicated by the fact that I can't have a CT or even an x-ray if I'm pregnant and that's what I'm attempting to be.

OK, so more hurdles. But I think I'm coming to a place of surrender, as the yogis like to say. Gratitude/Relief and Frustration/Fear have been like the Angel and Devil on my shoulders. I've vascillated between the two a lot in past few weeks. I often feel guilty for feeling frustrated by my circumstances since so many deal with so much worse, but then sometimes I just can't tamp down that frustration for very long. But on Friday it sort of dawned on me that this stuff is just my new reality for the next 4-5 years at least while I'm under a microscope. Scares are going to happen and I just need to deal.

"It is what it is" is probably my least favorite expression of the moment, but there it was on Friday, ringing true for me. I've always thought that statement expressed absolutely nothing, but I think I get it now. But I still don't like it.

New Rain

It's 2011. Whew. Thank God.

As I mentioned in the last post, I'm boring myself to tears talking about my health issues. The short of it is that I had another health scare this past week since I'd had some abnormal blood tests, but after hyperventilating about it for a couple of days this week, they appear to be normal again and my doctor no longer seems concerned.

I have gone from being this person who never got sick, went to the doctor or gave a passing thought to my health to a person who gets completely freaked out when I have health scares.

The other short of it is that 2010 is over. So, hallelujah to that. I think I might have said that at the end of 2009 too, but I mean it this time. I should go back and read that post to see if it reads exactly the same!

I'm ready for showers of goodness to rain upon me.

So it was a wonderful vacation for the most part peppered with a couple of scary-as-hell moments. But I do think 2011 is a fresh start of sorts. And my diagnosis and surgery are further behind me every day. This Thursday is my one-year follow-up MRI. For whatever reason, I'm not freaking out about that right now and don't think I will. I'm going to look at it as a milestone to realize for now and leave it at that.