Update: The coldsore is subsiding. I did switch up my skin care regimen though (OK, the word "regimen" cannot be taken too seriously here) and my face kinda freaked out on me. I caught myself in the mirror at Old Navy today and it looked like someone had splashed acid on my face. I think I'll return to the old "regimen".
My burn is almost fully recovered. Last Friday at work, I realized at some point that I hadn't been uncomfortable all day. Rolaids doesn't spell relief, but my butt does. It is weird when relief comes gradually and you have to think about it to notice it. Relief is usually more of a sudden feeling, like when you've really had to pee and you make it to the bathroom in time, Realizing that you've gradually reached a state of "relief" is something else entirely. Let me tell you though, I've enjoyed it. It's great to have an almost-normal butt back. The bitter irony here is that it will probably be in perfect shape as they sharpen their knives to slice and dice it on Wednesday.
Yes, this coming Wednesday is my surgery. I can't quite believe it. But the preparations are underway. Yesterday was my last day of work and I went for a CT scan and an MRI in the afternoon. I was actually supposed to have two MRIs yesterday. For good reason, that did not happen.
I had my CT scan first. Not a problem. I had to down a keg cup of Barium (I'm getting good at it-only gagged once). They put in the IV, the scan was quick, whatever.
Then while I was waiting for the MRIs, the tech came out and sat down next to me and essentially said, "This is crazy." She said they shouldn't have scheduled two MRIs in one day, it's too much for anyone. It's too long a period of of time to lie still and with the patients she's seen do it, they've gotten bad images on the second scan b/c the patients have moved. Of course I realize she's right. I hate MRIs to begin with, so I know that if I had two back to back, I'd be squeezing the emergency alarm and screaming for my mommy.
Yesterday's first MRI only confirmed this. Five minutes into it, I was smugly thinking, "Oh I am such a pro at this, I've gotten so zen." 25 minutes in I was thinking "F-ck, F-ck, f-ckety, f-ck!!!!" I managed to focus and get through it, but it was loooooong and while I think I've overcome most of the claustrophobia by closing my eyes, it generally makes me feel trapped and tortured.
She scheduled the second one for today. They were running a hour behind and I had to miss a party to go. Luckily though, today went better for some reason. I did wonder while I was in the tube if it could be a very expensive form of torture. If they did this for 8 hours a day to a terrorist at GITMO, terrorism might become passe.
So, yes, medical community, don't schedule two of these in one day for anybody. And don't throw a CT scan on top of it like a cherry.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Pretend you don't see it
I haven't even looked in the mirror yet, but I have a throbbing coldsore.
Delightful, no? Last night, I woke up (well, I think C woke me up) and I couldn't get back to sleep because I went down a stress/guilt spiral over what I haven't accomplished at work over the past few months alternating with a comparatively less stressful think about what state I will be in after surgery.
So when I got to my desk this morning I could literally feel this stress-induced coldsore emerge. I wish I was one of those people who loses weight when they're stressed. Can I please have stress symptoms that will make me more, rather than less, attractive?
I have to get a lot sorted before I finish up work this week and it's pretty daunting. Oy.
Buried beneath this is the fact that I have to revisit a New York Times expose on radiation overdoses. I read the first of about ten pages of the article, got pretty horrified and closed it. I'll get to that later I guess. I think it's important to read.
Hopefully, by my last day of work this Friday, this cold sore and its causes will have subsided.
Delightful, no? Last night, I woke up (well, I think C woke me up) and I couldn't get back to sleep because I went down a stress/guilt spiral over what I haven't accomplished at work over the past few months alternating with a comparatively less stressful think about what state I will be in after surgery.
So when I got to my desk this morning I could literally feel this stress-induced coldsore emerge. I wish I was one of those people who loses weight when they're stressed. Can I please have stress symptoms that will make me more, rather than less, attractive?
I have to get a lot sorted before I finish up work this week and it's pretty daunting. Oy.
Buried beneath this is the fact that I have to revisit a New York Times expose on radiation overdoses. I read the first of about ten pages of the article, got pretty horrified and closed it. I'll get to that later I guess. I think it's important to read.
Hopefully, by my last day of work this Friday, this cold sore and its causes will have subsided.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Go away Cupid
Well, the molting process continues and I'm slooooooowly getting more comfortable. I would say that I'm improving each day at a glacial pace, but glaciers are moving pretty fast these days what with global warming. Maybe I'm improving at the pace of a RMV line?
Last week, I saw the Valentine's stuff in the stores and it freaked me out a little. It's not because I don't have a dinner reservation (we never eat out on V-day anyway and we've had some great meals at home over the years-some of which I've even cooked!) No, I was freaked because V-day will be a week and a half after my surgery (on February 3rd) which means my surgery is coming up! Soon!
I am a little bit nervous about this. As I said before, I've never had major surgery. We met with the nurse at MGH last week to go over what to expect. D is more nervous about this stuff than I am and wants to have a handle on everything going into it. Here are some things that I am a tad nervous about:
Pain Management: Will I wake up after surgery in a fog of intense pain? Also, I am not sure how good I'll be at administering my own pain meds. He told us the best policy is to "stay ahead of the pain" before it gets out of hand, but in my everyday life, I am typically WAY behind the pain and by the time it's wrapping up I sometimes think "I guess I could have taken a Tylenol for that." I am getting on board with the drugs though. They made the biopsy so easy. I wasn't knocked out, but I was on some cocktail of pain meds and anti-anxiety drugs that made me pleased as punch to have a large needle inserted into my butt and beyond while people milled around in Star Trek-like getups of different colors (no, I wasn't hallucinating that) In any event, I have to be on top of this pain management stuff while somehow not getting addicted to pain meds. I hope that is not as tricky as it sounds.
IVs=hate them: Don't get me wrong, I am getting plenty used to them since I've had them a lot for the CT scans and MRIs but they still make me squirm. I had an overnight stay in the hospital a couple of weeks before I had C and they made me wear one which made me even more determined not to have one when I gave birth. Yes, I'd rather have natural childbirth than an IV. Which brings me to another thing he told us about....
Arterial Line: Sounds worse than an IV. He didn't try to sugar-coat it too much either, he just said they'd give me drugs before they put it in.
My Butt and What Will Be Left of It: I think this molting process is just a warmup for what I'll have behind me post-surgery.
I also wonder if I'll have a roommate. They also said I will get up and about soon. I hope that goes OK.
I am worried about being away from C and also her being a little freaked by seeing me at the hospital. I have started preparing her for what is up and last week she announced loudly in a restaurant, "Mommy has a boo-boo on her bum-bum!" Well-executed plan.
So, that is a roll-up of most of my trepidations. I do have a lot of faith in MGH and I'm not really worried about the more dire possibilities. At least not yet.
Last week, I saw the Valentine's stuff in the stores and it freaked me out a little. It's not because I don't have a dinner reservation (we never eat out on V-day anyway and we've had some great meals at home over the years-some of which I've even cooked!) No, I was freaked because V-day will be a week and a half after my surgery (on February 3rd) which means my surgery is coming up! Soon!
I am a little bit nervous about this. As I said before, I've never had major surgery. We met with the nurse at MGH last week to go over what to expect. D is more nervous about this stuff than I am and wants to have a handle on everything going into it. Here are some things that I am a tad nervous about:
Pain Management: Will I wake up after surgery in a fog of intense pain? Also, I am not sure how good I'll be at administering my own pain meds. He told us the best policy is to "stay ahead of the pain" before it gets out of hand, but in my everyday life, I am typically WAY behind the pain and by the time it's wrapping up I sometimes think "I guess I could have taken a Tylenol for that." I am getting on board with the drugs though. They made the biopsy so easy. I wasn't knocked out, but I was on some cocktail of pain meds and anti-anxiety drugs that made me pleased as punch to have a large needle inserted into my butt and beyond while people milled around in Star Trek-like getups of different colors (no, I wasn't hallucinating that) In any event, I have to be on top of this pain management stuff while somehow not getting addicted to pain meds. I hope that is not as tricky as it sounds.
IVs=hate them: Don't get me wrong, I am getting plenty used to them since I've had them a lot for the CT scans and MRIs but they still make me squirm. I had an overnight stay in the hospital a couple of weeks before I had C and they made me wear one which made me even more determined not to have one when I gave birth. Yes, I'd rather have natural childbirth than an IV. Which brings me to another thing he told us about....
Arterial Line: Sounds worse than an IV. He didn't try to sugar-coat it too much either, he just said they'd give me drugs before they put it in.
My Butt and What Will Be Left of It: I think this molting process is just a warmup for what I'll have behind me post-surgery.
I also wonder if I'll have a roommate. They also said I will get up and about soon. I hope that goes OK.
I am worried about being away from C and also her being a little freaked by seeing me at the hospital. I have started preparing her for what is up and last week she announced loudly in a restaurant, "Mommy has a boo-boo on her bum-bum!" Well-executed plan.
So, that is a roll-up of most of my trepidations. I do have a lot of faith in MGH and I'm not really worried about the more dire possibilities. At least not yet.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Watch out for the White Subaru
The last 24 hours or so has been no picnic. The burn healing process is not pretty. Itchy + painful has got to be one of the worst feelings out there. It just feels like fingernails on a blackboard, if that can be a feeling. And sometimes it's so frustrating when I'm shifting around trying to get comfortable that it just makes me kinda pissed off.
Driving is the worst for some reason. I guess my car seat is not very comfortable. Needless to say that I've had NO tolerance this week for people who are driving too slow, so if you see me, watch out because I might just mow you down. You'll know me because I'll be the one shifting around in my seat.
This all kind of took me by surprise a bit. I guess that's because during treatment I was never especially uncomfortable. I guess it just builds up and then one day it smacks you in the face at full-force. That day would be yesterday. I am hoping that was a climax of sorts.
We are due to make our annual trip to the Berkshires this weekend which I always enjoy. I am hoping I can endure the car ride without shredding the seat with my fingernails (luckily, I don't have any). Usually we are worried about how C will do in long car rides. I think I might be the problem child of this car trip however. I don't think a blanky and a pacifier will help me so much, but perhaps a shot of whisky before we hit the road will take the edge off.
Of course, as I write this the long-suffering people of Haiti have been dealt the worst blow imaginable. It puts my whining into perspective. I am lucky to have a roof over my head, my trusty sweatpants, and a Walgreens down the street. Among many other things.
Driving is the worst for some reason. I guess my car seat is not very comfortable. Needless to say that I've had NO tolerance this week for people who are driving too slow, so if you see me, watch out because I might just mow you down. You'll know me because I'll be the one shifting around in my seat.
This all kind of took me by surprise a bit. I guess that's because during treatment I was never especially uncomfortable. I guess it just builds up and then one day it smacks you in the face at full-force. That day would be yesterday. I am hoping that was a climax of sorts.
We are due to make our annual trip to the Berkshires this weekend which I always enjoy. I am hoping I can endure the car ride without shredding the seat with my fingernails (luckily, I don't have any). Usually we are worried about how C will do in long car rides. I think I might be the problem child of this car trip however. I don't think a blanky and a pacifier will help me so much, but perhaps a shot of whisky before we hit the road will take the edge off.
Of course, as I write this the long-suffering people of Haiti have been dealt the worst blow imaginable. It puts my whining into perspective. I am lucky to have a roof over my head, my trusty sweatpants, and a Walgreens down the street. Among many other things.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Phase 2=Through
Well, today was another milestone in this process. Pre-op radiation is complete. I no longer have to go to the hospital every day for treatment. In the next few weeks I have some tests and scans here and there and then it's surgery time.
It's a relief on many levels. Physically, at this point, it couldn't have come soon enough. Remember what I said about relishing sitting this month, before surgery? Yeah. Well, this week, not so much. I'm uncomfortable a lot of the time and some of the time it's just downright painful. I am sorry to be graphic, but it is truly a burn. It is kinda like I sat on a small campfire, but had no s'mores to cushion the blow. Or even to eat while my a$$ was getting burned. I have been taking oatmeal baths pretty much every night And Tylenol helps a little. And wine helps the oatmeal bath. I have never been a bath person, but I see that there are enjoyable elements to it. Still, I don't think I'd opt for many future baths just for the fun of it. Unless there is a fantastic jacuzzi tub in my future. Tonight, while I was taking my oatmeal bath, I read something in a book about a guy taking an oatmeal bath. I'm sure there is some deeper meaning behind this coincidence, but I haven't a clue what that is.
Even though my last proton treatment (that's the one that really messes with your skin) was Thursday, I guess this week my symptoms get progressively worse and then the following week it starts to get progressively better.
So, really, until this week this radiation stuff hasn't been such a big pain in the a$$ until it literally became one. I am sorry to make such an obvious joke, but it just heads you off at the pass.
I am happy to be done with this chapter.
It's a relief on many levels. Physically, at this point, it couldn't have come soon enough. Remember what I said about relishing sitting this month, before surgery? Yeah. Well, this week, not so much. I'm uncomfortable a lot of the time and some of the time it's just downright painful. I am sorry to be graphic, but it is truly a burn. It is kinda like I sat on a small campfire, but had no s'mores to cushion the blow. Or even to eat while my a$$ was getting burned. I have been taking oatmeal baths pretty much every night And Tylenol helps a little. And wine helps the oatmeal bath. I have never been a bath person, but I see that there are enjoyable elements to it. Still, I don't think I'd opt for many future baths just for the fun of it. Unless there is a fantastic jacuzzi tub in my future. Tonight, while I was taking my oatmeal bath, I read something in a book about a guy taking an oatmeal bath. I'm sure there is some deeper meaning behind this coincidence, but I haven't a clue what that is.
Even though my last proton treatment (that's the one that really messes with your skin) was Thursday, I guess this week my symptoms get progressively worse and then the following week it starts to get progressively better.
So, really, until this week this radiation stuff hasn't been such a big pain in the a$$ until it literally became one. I am sorry to make such an obvious joke, but it just heads you off at the pass.
I am happy to be done with this chapter.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Toddler Appreciation Day
I just love a gaggle of toddlers. Today I brought C to daycare with cupcakes so they could have a little pre-birthday celebration for her at school. I brought her and her lunch in first and then I told one of the teachers that I was going back out to the car to get the cupcakes. One little boy who's usually pretty shy (I think he's a notoriously picky eater too) picked up on this immediately and said, "Cupcakes?!" Little red-headed A said, "Cupcapes! Cupcapes!" Little I said "Dos anos!" (Their Spanish is really coming along.)
They all herded over to the entrance to the kitchen. Apparently they thought they were getting cupcakes for breakfast! I think I now know the secret to mobilizing a group of toddlers. When they got in the kitchen they all began to sing "Happy Birthday" in a different key and pace. I guess all this unexpected attention got to C (or maybe she thought I had left without saying goodbye) because she started to cry, which is really out of character for her lately. I went over to give her a kiss and reassure her and then I was on my way.
I don't think I could last a half hour taking care of 8 or so toddlers, but I'm not sure there's anything cuter than a whole mess of them, especially when they have a common purpose-an extremely rare event. I loved it.
My baby is 2. I absolutely can't believe it. And apparently she hasn't heard about that terrible 2's stuff yet because lately she's been delightful (I knock on wood as I write this). Some people mentioned to me that she might sense what I am going through. I never really bought that, but consciously or not, in the past few months she's just made it so much fun to be her mom. I am eternally grateful for this timing.
I'm not saying she's been perfect. Yesterday she refused to nap. But to be fair, we screwed up her schedule. Despite three attempts to get her to nap, she didn't resort to crankiness or meltdowns. Somehow she made it to 8 pm perfectly happy and presumably exhausted.
I am so grateful for this particular phase because I don't have the energy for meltdowns at the moment. (To be fair, who ever does, really?) If we could keep this streak going for the next couple of months, that would be great. I guess acting out is a sign of development, so I am selfishly asking for stalled development. So be it!
I am totally tempting fate by writing this. I'm just asking for a restaurant tantrum or something. But I had to put it out there.
They all herded over to the entrance to the kitchen. Apparently they thought they were getting cupcakes for breakfast! I think I now know the secret to mobilizing a group of toddlers. When they got in the kitchen they all began to sing "Happy Birthday" in a different key and pace. I guess all this unexpected attention got to C (or maybe she thought I had left without saying goodbye) because she started to cry, which is really out of character for her lately. I went over to give her a kiss and reassure her and then I was on my way.
I don't think I could last a half hour taking care of 8 or so toddlers, but I'm not sure there's anything cuter than a whole mess of them, especially when they have a common purpose-an extremely rare event. I loved it.
My baby is 2. I absolutely can't believe it. And apparently she hasn't heard about that terrible 2's stuff yet because lately she's been delightful (I knock on wood as I write this). Some people mentioned to me that she might sense what I am going through. I never really bought that, but consciously or not, in the past few months she's just made it so much fun to be her mom. I am eternally grateful for this timing.
I'm not saying she's been perfect. Yesterday she refused to nap. But to be fair, we screwed up her schedule. Despite three attempts to get her to nap, she didn't resort to crankiness or meltdowns. Somehow she made it to 8 pm perfectly happy and presumably exhausted.
I am so grateful for this particular phase because I don't have the energy for meltdowns at the moment. (To be fair, who ever does, really?) If we could keep this streak going for the next couple of months, that would be great. I guess acting out is a sign of development, so I am selfishly asking for stalled development. So be it!
I am totally tempting fate by writing this. I'm just asking for a restaurant tantrum or something. But I had to put it out there.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
