1

Wow.  Took a while to blow the dust off this blog, but here it is.

I had to say that my darling little bumblebee is one.  I know it can be gross to gush about your own kids, but since there's likely no one left reading here, I'm going to indulge myself.

She has truly been a delight every day of the past year.  Even the hard times weren't all that hard.  The occasional waking.  Being vomited on.  It was almost entirely doable and all viewed through the lens of the last child experience.  I think ALL the time (probably to a slightly unhealthy degree) that I have to enjoy her babyhood NOW because it's going by so much faster this time.

But she's done a good job of holding up her end of the bargain at making it enjoyable. 

What I'm loving at this moment is...

When she toddles over to give my knees a big hug.  I just love that.

When she runs away when I'm trying to get her dressed and doesn't quite understand how the game of tag works so when I go after her,  she comes running back towards me, laughing.

When she waves, claps, (tries to) blow kisses and says "bye". 

When she dances, she bounces up and down and bobs her head side to side.  It just doesn't come much cuter.  This kid loves music!

Hugs around the neck.  Love, love, love!

She loves to get herself into as small a container as possible.  Small box, baking dish, what have you.

She often uses baby toys for their intended purpose.  This is new to me and it's really quite remarkable.

It's not hard to get a laugh out of this kid and she is a willing participant in whatever kind of silly activity is on tap.

Of course, she's not perfect....

She's still navigating her relationship with her sister and does not always appreciate big sister getting attention from Mom or sis catching a ride on the front of her stroller.  This got ugly when she kicked sis off the front of the stroller....

She's a crazy climber just like her sister, sigh.  Her favorite activity is to climb onto a tall chair and rock it back and forth while standing.

She's pretty attached to me at the moment, which is a mixed blessing and a first for me.  I confess that I enjoy being so loved and needed and I'm trying to survive being sooooo needed. 

She can be a tough little cookie.  She seems to be getting over the biting phase (though not derived from a malicious place, it was still quite scary!), she can growl or make an uproar when she doesn't get her way.  We'll see how this turns out. 

Boy though, this kid is loveable.  Enough so that she was voted (unofficially) the favorite baby at daycare by the older kids.  It's true!   Even from those whose pants she's pulled down and whom she may have bitten.  I can't argue with them.

My body, myself

Could there be a more self-absorbed title for this?  I think not.  But that is what this is all about: my body's evolution over the past few years. 

Two kids, one major surgery and 32 radiation sessions later, I feel like my body is starting to come back to me.  Oh, it's not the same as it was.  It never will be what it was circa '01-'02 when I was doing 3-4 short triathlons a year.  That was probably the peak of my fitness.  But, I'm getting back to a place where I feel a little more comfortable with myself, and that feels good.

As anyone who's had a kid past the age of 32 may know, your body doesn't quite bounce back like an elastic as it might at say, 22?  After my first, I was pretty overwhelmed with first-time parenthood and I recall eating a lot of chocolate covered cranberries or something from Trader Joes.  Eight months after giving birth I still had almost 20 extra pounds on, so I sucked it up and did Weight Watchers online.  I lost 10 and kinda stalled from there, but it was a start.

In fall of 2009, I found out about chordoma and my fitness was about the furthest thing from my mind.  I just wanted to literally make it out alive.  I did lose some weight when I found out.  I never stopped eating, but I think stress can burn fat like nobody's business.  I remember when my first round of radiation was almost done though, I was grousing about getting weighed by the nurse and saying, which I almost always do, that I weigh less on my home scale, and she said that I should eat a lot over the holidays and not worry about my weight.  I needed to be healthy while I was doing radiation.  I kinda relished that.

I never quite got back up on the fitness wagon before I got pregnant again in early '11.  But that was OK. 

Now that I've been post-partum for a while, I've started getting back in the saddle.  I have been trying to walk during my lunch hours.  I've been trying to eat a little bit better.  I've been trying to get to yoga once a week.  It's helping, but even better than that, the process feels good.

I feel like I'm reclaiming my body after it kinda felt kidnapped from me for a good five years or so.  Oh sure, it's not what it was.  Gravity has taken it's toll even after what little nursing I did do.  If I suck in my stomach, it's a bit, um, wrinkly.  And I guess there is some aesthetic purpose to a tailbone, even if it is just an evolutionary remnant, because my butt is just flat now.  It didn't used to be that way.  Oh, and there's that fairly large scar up my back.

Do I care about all this?  Not really.  My body is in working order.  It does what I tell it to do most of the time and these days the majority of my pants fit.   In that sense, it's perfect. and once again, I'm grateful.

4

OK, it's not really 4. It's more like 4 and a quarter. I am nearly 3 months overdue in writing my missive on you being 4. But, so be it.

Moving from age 3 to age 4 is a major shift, I think. I remember seeing you sitting on our stairs one day when you were 3 and you were this cute little toddler/preschooler. Now, there is definitively no toddler left. You're a full-blown girl! Here's what's going on now:

You listen to and understand most adult conversation. It's becoming increasingly difficult to talk about you (or anyone else for that matter) around you. You know what's going down and you're pretty happy to interject your opinion/commentary.

Your silliness is at optimal levels these days. Pulling one over on Mom and Dad (or at least thinking that you are) is just about the funniest thing going. The day you walked into our room when we were asleep, quietly got in front of Dad's face and yelled "Surprise!" was a pretty good one, I gotta hand it to you.

You are still unabashedly in love with your sister. She is your favorite person on the planet by far and the more she develops and interacts, the more exciting it is for you.

You are still very opinionated about fashion and not very accomodating about letting me brush your hair. You have gotten much more at ease at the dentist though. This last visit was a piece of cake.

You are still not very daring about trying new foods, but once in a while, you'll have a bite.

You are getting slighty better about saying hello to people when they address you. For some reason you will wave or say hello to anyway when you are riding your bike. I'm not sure why this is.

You love to sing and are pretty good at memorizing lyrics. I'm fairly sure you'd like to be a rock star.

Last night you told me that if monkeys want to eat people, we could put bananas into space and the monkeys would be distracted and eat those and not people. You also told me that you're probably the smartest person in the world and probably don't even need teachers. Hmmmm.

I try to learn from you all the time. I learn about kindness. I learn about patience (patience! from a 4 year old!) I try to learn that sometimes you just have to stop for a minute and have fun and not just hasten to finish the task at hand. Because what is the point if you're not having fun?

You love rainbows more than anyone I know, to the point of obsession. There are worse things to obsess over.

I love you and I'm grateful for you every day.

A Few of My Favorite Things

bMy latest obsessive thought has been, "It's going so fast." Maybe it's because this is my last baby. Probably it's because I have been getting an unusual amount of sleep for someone with a young baby. Maybe it's because she's growing out of clothes faster than I can dig them out.

A couple of months ago I was with the baby in the supermarket and the baby was fussing a little in the checkout line. A woman in the next line over looked at me and the expression on her face just struck me. It was empathetic and nostalgic at the same time. I could tell that a part of her wanted to be in my shoes and another part of her did not.

I feel like I'm not taking enough pictures and videos and I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't even cracked the baby book. But here's what I love right now::

The coo conversations. She just loves to "talk" with coos. And she does it conversation-style. It's really adorable.

When she falls asleep on my shoulder. Those occurences are less frequent now so I'm trying to savor them.

How peaceful she looks when she's sleeping

How completely entertained she is by big sis and vice versa.

How curious she is about who we all are and what the heck we're doing

How happy she is to see everyone in the morning.

The rolls of chub on her legs and her chubby cheeks.

The way she laughs when her belly is kissed or tickled.

Probably my favorite thing in the list above is how much these sisters adore each other. I am trying to soak that in as much as I can because I know I have a future filled with arguments, tattling, clothes stealing, door slamming. For now though, I love how much C loves her little sister. The novelty hasn't worn off yet. And it runs deep. C hates when M is upset. She cried when M got her shots at the pediatrician. She tries to cheer her up when she's fussy. She calls her "beautiful", "adorable", "best buddy'. She is completely thrilled at every new development M makes. It's really cool to see this relationship all their own unfold before our eyes. We can shape it to some degree, but for the most part, it's up to them to define.

Much to fast I tell you.