OK, admittedly, I've been in a bit of a blogging slump. It seems to be a recent trend among the blogs I read though, so I don't feel too guilty. I guess when you're in this March/April pre real-spring limbo, maybe there's not a whole lot to report?
I've been thinking more lately about what I am eating and my health and how I can improve that. I've mostly gotten over the chocolate fixation of the early post-op days primarily by running out of chocolate and not replenishing it. It's working for me. I had a run in with Starburst jellybeans last week, but that, too, has passed. It was a seasonal dalliance, really.
I'm thinking about my weight, cancer, and the effects of radiation and I want to take more control over my eating habits. I've decided I want to eat less meat and more whole grains and vegetables. I want to eat more natural and organic food and fewer processed foods. And I want to eat less fattening foods. Tyah. I know. It's ambitious.
There was a time when I was younger and was much more vigilant about my diet as regards to trying to control my weight. It was a bit tiring and I'm not sure I want to be 100% back there. The mindset was sort of, "I'll have a dessert wine instead of dessert." Not a bad credo mind you, but it wasn't necessarilly health-driven, if you see what I mean.
So, I'm taking a few steps. I'm selecting a farm share right now. I'm going to try to go to the farmer's market more this summer/fall. I had just half a hamburger the other night. I'm starting out small.
I'd love to get in a good rhythm and lose 10-15 lbs, but I'm also not in a place anymore to hate my body as it is now. It's just not worth it. Cancer does put some of that stuff in perspective. I'm grateful to have a functioning body, even if I don't look good in a bathing suit and even if my naked butt still kinda looks like Frankenstein (I've nicknamed it "Franken-butt"). I think cancer can transform past disatisfaction with your body into a reverence and a respect. When your body is working properly, it's a beautiful thing, and this has reminded me of that. So maybe that will help me get onto the right path.
Still, I'm going to have to go back to my primary care physician this summer and I don't think my "baby weight" excuse is going to hold up anymore. Especially since the "baby" will be 2.5 by then.
On the upside though, I realized the other day that I haven't had a diet soda since this all started back in October. Some things are really easy to eliminate. If only it was all that easy.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Being 2 time
It's been a while since I've blogged and I have absolutely no excuses. Last week I was feeling kinda stalled on progress. I had a couple of rough pain bouts that kinda came out of nowhere. And I guess in comparison to all the progress I'd made early on, it was a little frustrating.
The past few days though, I feel like things are moving in the right direction. The pain has been in check and I've been doing more, little by little. And how could I not feel better when the weather turned into amazingness?!
It's been lucky I've been feeling better too, because C has had some genuine 2 year old moments over the past week. I guess what I said before about her holding off on being truly 2 is expiring. She's given me my time and now she's ready for some good old fashioned power struggles! The tantrum is usually so irrational that it's not always terribly frustrating though. Sometimes, it's even kind of funny (I know, I know, I'm supposed to validate, not laugh!) Maybe I say that because there haven't been that many yet. I'll report back on that later. And thank god the meltdowns haven't been in public! She is a good talker, so usually when she is melting down about something, she can't express what she wants because she doesn't actually want ANYTHING, except to get a good cry out of her system.
Fortunately, another thing I've discovered is that 2 year olds don't hold grudges. One minute she can be doing a foot-stomp of fury and the next she will be sweetly thanking me for something. She can be as full of love and affection as fury and I love that. This kid adores her mom, her dad, her grandma and any other kid who happens to come along. She is at times a little aggressively affectionate with other kids, but, hey, it's better than biting them.
The past few days though, I feel like things are moving in the right direction. The pain has been in check and I've been doing more, little by little. And how could I not feel better when the weather turned into amazingness?!
It's been lucky I've been feeling better too, because C has had some genuine 2 year old moments over the past week. I guess what I said before about her holding off on being truly 2 is expiring. She's given me my time and now she's ready for some good old fashioned power struggles! The tantrum is usually so irrational that it's not always terribly frustrating though. Sometimes, it's even kind of funny (I know, I know, I'm supposed to validate, not laugh!) Maybe I say that because there haven't been that many yet. I'll report back on that later. And thank god the meltdowns haven't been in public! She is a good talker, so usually when she is melting down about something, she can't express what she wants because she doesn't actually want ANYTHING, except to get a good cry out of her system.
Fortunately, another thing I've discovered is that 2 year olds don't hold grudges. One minute she can be doing a foot-stomp of fury and the next she will be sweetly thanking me for something. She can be as full of love and affection as fury and I love that. This kid adores her mom, her dad, her grandma and any other kid who happens to come along. She is at times a little aggressively affectionate with other kids, but, hey, it's better than biting them.
Friday, March 12, 2010
What big teeth you have, gift horsie
Some people have told me that having cancer will make me a better person. Lance Armstrong said so too (though, to be fair, not about me). I'm not quite convinced yet. I haven't seen the signs of my betterment, but I am looking out for the signs and I'll let you know when it's time to congratulate me.
Since I've promised to be honest however, I do have to expose one of my poorer qualities which has reared its ugly head lately. I am really bad at receiving gifts from people I do not know. In fact, I often resent it. And in some ways there have been a couple of strange gifting moments through this cancer thing and I am not always terribly graceful about it.
You're thinking, "you ungrateful b*tch". I know! I couldn't agree more. It's just a feeling that takes over.
You may also ask, "Why are you receiving gifts from people you don't know?" I don't know! But I'll attempt to explain.
Some former coworkers of my mom's sent me a fancy Edible Arrangement. Yesterday my father brought me a gift from someone he chats with at Dunkin Donuts. It was a music box with stationary inside. My father doesn't know the name of the gifter. I immediately thought, "Yard sale pile." when I should have been thinking "what a sweet gesture!". Don't get me wrong, I get it. People who are friendly with my parents want to honor them by doing something nice for me. I just feel like it's a bit of misdirected altruism. Why not send the money used to purchase the music box to Haiti? Maybe she's already made her donation to Haiti and she just wants to brighten the day of the cancer patient. I dunno, but I just end up feeling a little weird and obliged.
As if I'm the good deed fairy who should dictate what kinds of good deeds others should do based on all of the ones I'm running around doing. To the contrary. I haven't changed a stranger's tire or made my neighbors brownies in....oh.... I dunno...ever.
I've gotten some really thoughtful gifts and food and visits and other gestures from friends and family and that outpouring has been overwhelming and sooo appreciated by me. From more distant friends and acquaintances, I've gotten cards and emails and that has been really touching and, I think, the most appropriate gesture from them. Just the fact that these people have taken the time out to come up with something to say, write a note, track down my address and send it in the mail means a LOT.
My aunt from Europe sent a card and $100. That too seemed a little weird. Again, very thoughtful and maybe she feels a little powerless about how she can help from 6000 miles away. but the evil part of me just thought, "Happy Cancer, here's $100 to help you celebrate!" But, let's face it, while I'm 36 and in no way destitute, who can't use $100?
So we've already been over the fact that I'm crap with thank you notes. Let's just handshake on it: if you don't know me, don't gift me. Send some cash to Haiti or yield in a rotary and we'll call it good.
Since I've promised to be honest however, I do have to expose one of my poorer qualities which has reared its ugly head lately. I am really bad at receiving gifts from people I do not know. In fact, I often resent it. And in some ways there have been a couple of strange gifting moments through this cancer thing and I am not always terribly graceful about it.
You're thinking, "you ungrateful b*tch". I know! I couldn't agree more. It's just a feeling that takes over.
You may also ask, "Why are you receiving gifts from people you don't know?" I don't know! But I'll attempt to explain.
Some former coworkers of my mom's sent me a fancy Edible Arrangement. Yesterday my father brought me a gift from someone he chats with at Dunkin Donuts. It was a music box with stationary inside. My father doesn't know the name of the gifter. I immediately thought, "Yard sale pile." when I should have been thinking "what a sweet gesture!". Don't get me wrong, I get it. People who are friendly with my parents want to honor them by doing something nice for me. I just feel like it's a bit of misdirected altruism. Why not send the money used to purchase the music box to Haiti? Maybe she's already made her donation to Haiti and she just wants to brighten the day of the cancer patient. I dunno, but I just end up feeling a little weird and obliged.
As if I'm the good deed fairy who should dictate what kinds of good deeds others should do based on all of the ones I'm running around doing. To the contrary. I haven't changed a stranger's tire or made my neighbors brownies in....oh.... I dunno...ever.
I've gotten some really thoughtful gifts and food and visits and other gestures from friends and family and that outpouring has been overwhelming and sooo appreciated by me. From more distant friends and acquaintances, I've gotten cards and emails and that has been really touching and, I think, the most appropriate gesture from them. Just the fact that these people have taken the time out to come up with something to say, write a note, track down my address and send it in the mail means a LOT.
My aunt from Europe sent a card and $100. That too seemed a little weird. Again, very thoughtful and maybe she feels a little powerless about how she can help from 6000 miles away. but the evil part of me just thought, "Happy Cancer, here's $100 to help you celebrate!" But, let's face it, while I'm 36 and in no way destitute, who can't use $100?
So we've already been over the fact that I'm crap with thank you notes. Let's just handshake on it: if you don't know me, don't gift me. Send some cash to Haiti or yield in a rotary and we'll call it good.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Arriving
Time to get back on the blogwagon since there has been much progress this past week. The stitches came out on Wednesday. Ahhh. As usual, the process of removing them was more painful for D than it was for me, but he opted to sit behind the curtain which was the right choice for all involved. Having the stitches out felt like almost as much of a relief as getting the drain out. Not quite as great, but still pretty great.
The surgeon also said I can do some limited sitting this month. More progress! I tried it out on the couch when I got home from the appointment. Not feeling it yet. It just feels uncomfortable and since the predictable side-lying feels better, I usually default back to it. I'm waiting patiently for sitting to click.
In the meantime though, I've been out for a couple of short walks. We went for a brief visit to some friends yesterday and C was excited that I was coming along in the car. I was touched that she'd missed me in the car. I kinda feel like I'm slooooowly getting back in the game again. For Pete's sake, I wore underwear yesterday! I know, I know, I'd better slow down.
Helping matters is the promise of spring. I know it's cliche, but nothing helps my mental state like sunshine, longer days, and not having to wear socks. Add to that, the idea that cold and flu season is waning, so C is less likely to get sick. All these make for happier times, which seems like a good time to rejoin civilization. Neither spring nor I have arrived yet, but we're working on it.
The surgeon also said I can do some limited sitting this month. More progress! I tried it out on the couch when I got home from the appointment. Not feeling it yet. It just feels uncomfortable and since the predictable side-lying feels better, I usually default back to it. I'm waiting patiently for sitting to click.
In the meantime though, I've been out for a couple of short walks. We went for a brief visit to some friends yesterday and C was excited that I was coming along in the car. I was touched that she'd missed me in the car. I kinda feel like I'm slooooowly getting back in the game again. For Pete's sake, I wore underwear yesterday! I know, I know, I'd better slow down.
Helping matters is the promise of spring. I know it's cliche, but nothing helps my mental state like sunshine, longer days, and not having to wear socks. Add to that, the idea that cold and flu season is waning, so C is less likely to get sick. All these make for happier times, which seems like a good time to rejoin civilization. Neither spring nor I have arrived yet, but we're working on it.
Monday, March 1, 2010
What I miss while [not] sitting around
OK, I never got around to blogging this weekend. It wasn't that I was suddenly tremendously busy or anything. (Tyah) I think part of it had to do with the fact that I recently got into the show "Nurse Jackie" on demand and I've watched almost the whole season in a short amount of time. The show's a little far-fetched, but it's good. I love Dr. O'Hara on the show. I've known my fair share of Brits in real life and she is about as realistic a Brit as it gets in TV/movies. She is the anti Hugh Grant, in the best sense (and I even like Hugh Grant).
I haven't watched a TV drama in succession in a while, so between this and Mad Men, I am catching up with what everyone is talking about. So that's cool.
I'm happy that I'm building up more strength and getting better, but being unable to sit does hold one back a bit. Here is what I'm missing while I'm staying on top of mordant television drama:
In no particular order:
I haven't watched a TV drama in succession in a while, so between this and Mad Men, I am catching up with what everyone is talking about. So that's cool.
I'm happy that I'm building up more strength and getting better, but being unable to sit does hold one back a bit. Here is what I'm missing while I'm staying on top of mordant television drama:
In no particular order:
- Sitting around the dinner table with my family (or anyone for that matter, but especially them)
- Drinking a fancy cocktail in a bar
- Eating in a restaurant
- Going pretty much anywhere (I especially miss being able to go to fun places with my daughter on the weekends)
- Exercising (I wasn't doing much of that pre-surgery, but now that I can't really do much, I am craving that feeling you have after you've had a good workout. It's been too long.)
- Being able to pick up C and sit down on the floor to play with her, especially when she asks me to.
- Seeing friends at work (I don't miss the stress or frustrations of work, but I do miss seeing friends and colleagues on a daily basis, and having a sense of purpose.)
- Wearing clothes that are not interchangeable with pajamas. Specifically jeans. And shoes. And I miss wearing underwear!
- Driving (but not that much)
- More fresh air
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
