Did you think that the title of this post was referencing the outcome of a beautiful fall day picking apples?
I warn you now, it is not.
I think I am about halfway through my fertility preservation procedures and I am growing follicles! So I have 8 of these at 12 mm or more and they need to get to 17 mm. Plus there are more! I am wondering if my midsection is going to start to look like a bag of apples. I don't have a trim mid-section to begin with (though maybe that will work in my favor this time around?)
I don't know, but it's a little alarming.
I am beginning to enjoy the efficiency of the fertility place, like my friend said she did after a while. At first it was too much like a baby factory, but now I am enjoying my Wolfgang Puck decaf coffee during my brief wait in the lobby. I still find myself wondering what everyone's story is though.
I'm also trying to eat a little better these days. I don't really know if diet will affect this type of cancer. It seems like it's such a genetic fluke, that treatment is the only thing that affects it. But I figure, a better diet can't hurt. So, I am having my flaxseed and my green tea daily. And I'm trying to cut out the Splenda (wistfully, it's a painful breakup) I am trying to squeeze more vegetables and fruits into my days. I think I was better at that when I was pregnant for some reason. It's a little tough to start all this in Halloween season. A Kit-kat just seems more inviting for dessert than an apple.
At least it's sugar in the Kit-kat rather than Splenda, right?
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Avoidance
OK, I had a weird exchange at work today with a colleague I consider myself to be friendly with (not going-to-lunch friendly, but friendly enough).
To protect the innocent I will pick this up mid-conversation so, apologies for the lack of context:
[Comparing me to another colleague] Him: "Well, she's had a rough time of it lately."
Me: "You don't even know." [referencing my own recent rough time]
Him: "Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know about that."
Me {surprised}: "You do?"
Him "Yeah." "Say, what have you been up to, I haven't seen you at my local liquor store lately." [Conversation trails into banality]
So, I'm not sure what to make of this. Does he really know? Or, is he referencing something else entirely that I am unaware of? And, if he does know, wouldn't he acknowledge it? Am I making a bigger deal out of all of this in my head b/c it's been consuming my life for most of the last month? I'm not asking for an Edible Arrangement (though that would be yummy, especially the one with the chocolate-dipped stuff). I'd just like some acknowledgement of the situation like a "Sorry, that sucks." and then I'd be happy to move straight on to the liquor store conversation. Did he avoid saying anything b/c we were in an open area and he was afraid I didn't want others to know?
This leads nicely into the topic du jour, which is a recent lesson I've learned from this experience.
Ready?
Avoidance makes people think you don't care.
Yeah, it seems pretty obvious, right? You're probably thinking, "I know that you big dummy-face!" Here's the thing though....I was an avoider too! And I consider myself a caring person and one who is not totally self-centered. But when dealing with friends or acquaintances whom I knew had experienced some kind of loss, or major hardship or whatever, I was pretty chicken. Part of me was afraid that bringing up a sad topic would make that person sad (or maybe that was my excuse for my lameness) and part of me just couldn't come up with any words in situations like the death of a family member. There really are no words for that. So I could choke out a "I'm so sorry." but I couldn't get much beyond that. And let's face it, it's difficult and awkward to bring up subjects that involve personal pain.
But now I know the secret: avoidance is so much worse! When you haven't acknowledged something major going on in someone's life (crisis, loss of loved one, divorce, illness, whatever), it feels to that person like you don't care or you don't think that major thing is major enough to mention. To that person, it's like you haven't given it any thought. And most of the time, that's the exact opposite to how you feel. So lately I've been thinking of some of my past avoidances and I regret them. Now I see them as missed opportunities.
So, with my present circumstance, I have been really impressed by the people who have gone out of their way just to say something out of the blue. It means a lot, because I know it's not easy to make that phone call not knowing what to expect on the other end. It takes courage I didn't have.
I hope learning this has changed me for good. I hope I am a reformed avoider.
To protect the innocent I will pick this up mid-conversation so, apologies for the lack of context:
[Comparing me to another colleague] Him: "Well, she's had a rough time of it lately."
Me: "You don't even know." [referencing my own recent rough time]
Him: "Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know about that."
Me {surprised}: "You do?"
Him "Yeah." "Say, what have you been up to, I haven't seen you at my local liquor store lately." [Conversation trails into banality]
So, I'm not sure what to make of this. Does he really know? Or, is he referencing something else entirely that I am unaware of? And, if he does know, wouldn't he acknowledge it? Am I making a bigger deal out of all of this in my head b/c it's been consuming my life for most of the last month? I'm not asking for an Edible Arrangement (though that would be yummy, especially the one with the chocolate-dipped stuff). I'd just like some acknowledgement of the situation like a "Sorry, that sucks." and then I'd be happy to move straight on to the liquor store conversation. Did he avoid saying anything b/c we were in an open area and he was afraid I didn't want others to know?
This leads nicely into the topic du jour, which is a recent lesson I've learned from this experience.
Ready?
Avoidance makes people think you don't care.
Yeah, it seems pretty obvious, right? You're probably thinking, "I know that you big dummy-face!" Here's the thing though....I was an avoider too! And I consider myself a caring person and one who is not totally self-centered. But when dealing with friends or acquaintances whom I knew had experienced some kind of loss, or major hardship or whatever, I was pretty chicken. Part of me was afraid that bringing up a sad topic would make that person sad (or maybe that was my excuse for my lameness) and part of me just couldn't come up with any words in situations like the death of a family member. There really are no words for that. So I could choke out a "I'm so sorry." but I couldn't get much beyond that. And let's face it, it's difficult and awkward to bring up subjects that involve personal pain.
But now I know the secret: avoidance is so much worse! When you haven't acknowledged something major going on in someone's life (crisis, loss of loved one, divorce, illness, whatever), it feels to that person like you don't care or you don't think that major thing is major enough to mention. To that person, it's like you haven't given it any thought. And most of the time, that's the exact opposite to how you feel. So lately I've been thinking of some of my past avoidances and I regret them. Now I see them as missed opportunities.
So, with my present circumstance, I have been really impressed by the people who have gone out of their way just to say something out of the blue. It means a lot, because I know it's not easy to make that phone call not knowing what to expect on the other end. It takes courage I didn't have.
I hope learning this has changed me for good. I hope I am a reformed avoider.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Sooo not-so-bad
Well, I did my first fertility shot on Saturday night. It really wasn't too bad at all.
Some friends who had been down this road came over to coach us through the process, but I think they really supplied more moral support than anything else. It is a little bit like a home chemistry set but with needles. I can't really believe that millions of people do this to have a baby and I can't believe that they trust people to do the administering on their own. Surely there is room for plenty of error here? These are drugs and needles people! But whatev I guess. Plenty of babies come out of it, so it must go just fine most of the time.
Saturday night's shot didn't hurt at all. I was surprised by how much it didn't hurt. Last night's was a little off. Didn't hurt so much going in, but it felt like it might develop into a little bruise later. Still, not a big deal. And I'm not going to be doing this for months and months so who cares about a bruise here and there.
The whole fertility thing is a weird side trip. I feel bad when I go to the fertility place because I feel like everyone is looking at each other thinking, "What's your story?". Except maybe for the lesbian couple. Their story seems pretty obvious. Part of me wants to say, "I'm not actually infertile. It's just cancer!" But then I feel guilty for thinking that. I feel bad that people have to go through so much work to get pregnant and I realize how damn lucky I was to get pregnant on the first try. The universe really is pretty random.
Overall, I think it's so great that people have this option to get pregnant. I'm certainly glad I have this option. It's just that when you go, you do things like blood tests and ultrasounds, so it's all the medical trappings of pregnancy without the pregnancy. And that just kinda bums me out a little bit. But I think I'm getting over it.
I also got a call from the radiation oncologist on Friday asking if I want to participate in a trial looking at the levels of oxygen in chordomas. All it would mean is a couple of extra PET CT scans. I don't know if that means drinking that wretched berium or not. I can eat pretty much anything and I can drink bad wine, but there is something about that stuff that is bloody hard to get down. And two nasty bottles of banana flavored mercury? (I know it's not really mercury, but whatever the heck it is, it's NOT a beverage, so let's not pretend it is by dressing it up as a banana smoothie. I'm too smart for that!) At this point, I welcome the once-dreaded IV with contrast over that. In any case, I will happily do the scans b/c it will mean just one more nugget of data about this disease, so they'll understand it better.
How can I say no to that?
Some friends who had been down this road came over to coach us through the process, but I think they really supplied more moral support than anything else. It is a little bit like a home chemistry set but with needles. I can't really believe that millions of people do this to have a baby and I can't believe that they trust people to do the administering on their own. Surely there is room for plenty of error here? These are drugs and needles people! But whatev I guess. Plenty of babies come out of it, so it must go just fine most of the time.
Saturday night's shot didn't hurt at all. I was surprised by how much it didn't hurt. Last night's was a little off. Didn't hurt so much going in, but it felt like it might develop into a little bruise later. Still, not a big deal. And I'm not going to be doing this for months and months so who cares about a bruise here and there.
The whole fertility thing is a weird side trip. I feel bad when I go to the fertility place because I feel like everyone is looking at each other thinking, "What's your story?". Except maybe for the lesbian couple. Their story seems pretty obvious. Part of me wants to say, "I'm not actually infertile. It's just cancer!" But then I feel guilty for thinking that. I feel bad that people have to go through so much work to get pregnant and I realize how damn lucky I was to get pregnant on the first try. The universe really is pretty random.
Overall, I think it's so great that people have this option to get pregnant. I'm certainly glad I have this option. It's just that when you go, you do things like blood tests and ultrasounds, so it's all the medical trappings of pregnancy without the pregnancy. And that just kinda bums me out a little bit. But I think I'm getting over it.
I also got a call from the radiation oncologist on Friday asking if I want to participate in a trial looking at the levels of oxygen in chordomas. All it would mean is a couple of extra PET CT scans. I don't know if that means drinking that wretched berium or not. I can eat pretty much anything and I can drink bad wine, but there is something about that stuff that is bloody hard to get down. And two nasty bottles of banana flavored mercury? (I know it's not really mercury, but whatever the heck it is, it's NOT a beverage, so let's not pretend it is by dressing it up as a banana smoothie. I'm too smart for that!) At this point, I welcome the once-dreaded IV with contrast over that. In any case, I will happily do the scans b/c it will mean just one more nugget of data about this disease, so they'll understand it better.
How can I say no to that?
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Look at me!
Wow. I'm blogging. Like 50 million other people on my street alone. I feel like I have to start apologizing and putting the disclaimers out there right off the bat. Because I'm already feeling self-conscious about this blog!
I'm starting this to document the next few months at least as I embark on a cancer journey (and all the B.S. that comes with it). Another purpose is to give me something to do while I'm laid up. I imagine those will potentially be the most boring blog posts ever b/c I don't anticipate a lot happening while I lie in bed watching daytime TV, but who knows.
While I'm like 50 million other people with the blogging, I'm like only 300 other people in the U.S. each year in another sense. For background, (and for whomever might be searching for people like themselves) I was diagnosed with chordoma on October 1st. It's a rare form of malignant tumor. Mine is located on the tip of my tailbone.
At the moment I'm pursing "fertility preservation" so that I could have another child down the road. I'm 35 and I already have a 22 month old we'll call "C". I'm starting that process tonight...whoopee! I want to document that too.
November 30th I am starting radiation treatment for 28 days. Then I will "heal up" for a month and will probably have surgery in early February. They'll just cut off my coccyx (OK, get the jokes out of the way) and throw it out. Then several weeks of recovery and a couple more weeks of radiation and then I pray it doesn't come back.
This is a strange place to be in as a 35 year old woman. For one, this doesn't happen to anyone very often, much less to someone my age. And I was also one of those people who never got sick. I am not particularly the saintly, heroic type who gets cancer young and is especially admirable about it all. I'm not the Lifetime movie type. I'm hoping that maybe this will be a transformative experience in a positive way, for both me and for my family. Maybe we WILL move to Costa Rica and run a zipline company (full disclosure: I am afraid of heights and have never been on a zipline aside from the local rec center's, which was probably 20 ft. high max.)
I have a good tolerance for pain. I did have natural childbirth.
So I want to jot down this experience and I guess I'm doing it in the way everyone does it these days. I don't know if I'm supposed to "market" this blog. I don't know yet if I'll care whether or not anyone reads it (or be embarassed if someone does!). I know it won't be a totally typical mommy blog. And I hope it won't be a typical cancer blog. I don't know yet how I'll feel about people I don't know very well knowing intimate details of my life. Maybe, (hopefully?) it will transform into one of those mundane blogs where people post about how much their Iphone has changed their life.
But here goes.
AMG
P.S. For anyone who happens to stumble on this b/c you have chordoma, please do give a shout out.
I'm starting this to document the next few months at least as I embark on a cancer journey (and all the B.S. that comes with it). Another purpose is to give me something to do while I'm laid up. I imagine those will potentially be the most boring blog posts ever b/c I don't anticipate a lot happening while I lie in bed watching daytime TV, but who knows.
While I'm like 50 million other people with the blogging, I'm like only 300 other people in the U.S. each year in another sense. For background, (and for whomever might be searching for people like themselves) I was diagnosed with chordoma on October 1st. It's a rare form of malignant tumor. Mine is located on the tip of my tailbone.
At the moment I'm pursing "fertility preservation" so that I could have another child down the road. I'm 35 and I already have a 22 month old we'll call "C". I'm starting that process tonight...whoopee! I want to document that too.
November 30th I am starting radiation treatment for 28 days. Then I will "heal up" for a month and will probably have surgery in early February. They'll just cut off my coccyx (OK, get the jokes out of the way) and throw it out. Then several weeks of recovery and a couple more weeks of radiation and then I pray it doesn't come back.
This is a strange place to be in as a 35 year old woman. For one, this doesn't happen to anyone very often, much less to someone my age. And I was also one of those people who never got sick. I am not particularly the saintly, heroic type who gets cancer young and is especially admirable about it all. I'm not the Lifetime movie type. I'm hoping that maybe this will be a transformative experience in a positive way, for both me and for my family. Maybe we WILL move to Costa Rica and run a zipline company (full disclosure: I am afraid of heights and have never been on a zipline aside from the local rec center's, which was probably 20 ft. high max.)
I have a good tolerance for pain. I did have natural childbirth.
So I want to jot down this experience and I guess I'm doing it in the way everyone does it these days. I don't know if I'm supposed to "market" this blog. I don't know yet if I'll care whether or not anyone reads it (or be embarassed if someone does!). I know it won't be a totally typical mommy blog. And I hope it won't be a typical cancer blog. I don't know yet how I'll feel about people I don't know very well knowing intimate details of my life. Maybe, (hopefully?) it will transform into one of those mundane blogs where people post about how much their Iphone has changed their life.
But here goes.
AMG
P.S. For anyone who happens to stumble on this b/c you have chordoma, please do give a shout out.
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