The Plan

Whew. It's been kind of a crazy week, all-told.

Fertility surgery was yesterday. Got the results today. The end result is not quite as bountiful as I'd hoped. It's better than nothing for sure. But, still, there's no reality show full of kids in the works for me (that's actually an upside). It does plant a little seed in my head though. What if I don't have another child?

That's not what I had planned, but, then again, nothing has gone quite as planned this fall. So I guess I have to go back to rolling the dice and seeing what happens.

I'm not much of a life planner to begin with, so maybe I can cope with all the upheavals of this fall better than some. The lack of life planning is actually something I've considered somewhat of a downfall of mine. Sometimes I wish that I was better about setting goals for myself or making life changes more frequently. I've always kind of regretted that I've let myself become too settled at times, waiting for things to change around me.

Well, this disease has sure as hell shaken things up!

I did think it would be nice if got pregnant when C was about 2.5. I was actually planning it based, in part, on the seasons. I thought it probably wouldn't be prudent to have a baby in the middle of the summer, when I would be cooped up indoors too much while it was nice out. Early spring seemed perfect. That thought seems kind of ridiculous to me now.

The baby plan is off the table at the moment. But that's OK. Maybe things will all work out according to some other plan and it might not even be about me. It might be about defining C's life in a particular way.

It's funny how some peoples' lives DO live up exactly to their plans. My aunt once showed me a paper my cousin had written in high school about where she would be in 10 years and, sure enough, she'd accomplished all the goals she'd laid out at age 15 by the time she was 25. That was both kind of spooky and fascinating to me. I knew right then that I wasn't like my cousin.

I'm not sure what to plan right now. A big life change for when this is all done? Maybe. Or maybe this is not a time to plan but to just sit tight and make sure everything is all right first.

I guess I will just try to "be present" as the yogis like to say. Still can't do crow to save my life though.



P.S. Thanks to all of you who have told me you've been reading and enjoying this blog. It means a lot. Don't hesitate to become a follower on here, or to leave a comment. I promise not to bite!