Shmoctors

Granted, it's not really fair to post that you may have liver failure and not follow up pretty immediately for the 2 people still reading this.



I don't have liver failure. In fact my liver and kidneys are lookin' good. They salute you.



The bad(ish) news is that it's unclear why I have blood in my urine. I have to go to a urologist.



Further badish news (and completely unrelated to EVERYTHING) is that I have gall stones. My PCP seems unalarmed, so that's good. I could have an attack at some point, but hopefully if/when that happens, I'll know what I'm dealing with. It's funny, whenever you take some kind of microscope to me, it seems you're bound to find something.



I kinda freaked last week when I got the ultrasound to see what was going on. It completely took me back to last year around this time, but, strangely, I was more freaked out than for any test I had last fall. I think the prospect that something could be seriously wrong with me again is much more palpable for me than it ever used to be. Maybe I have a little post-chordoma stress disorder.



This post is boring me already. I think that's because I'm getting bored of going to doctors. I guess I had a nice little reprieve from it for a while. Time to return to that.

Merry Liver Failure To You?

I was thinking a while back that my next blog post should be something light and fun. But heck, why should I break with tradition?!

I had a bad fever yesterday. I didn't really have any other symptoms with the fever, so I went to the doctor to be on the safe side. So I give her a urine sample and she says that I have some blood in my urine and, oh yeah, the whites of my eyes look yellow. So, my doctor orders an ultrasound to check out my liver tomorrow.

I'm sort of at a loss as to what to do now. Assuming it's nothing hasn't really been working out for me lately in the mental preparedness department. But, then again, is freaking out and expecting the worst productive at all? Not really. Neither reaction is going to alter the outcome.

Sometimes I just think, "Isn't enough, enough?" But I was thinking about that in the context of Elizabeth Edwards' death. I mean, first she loses a child. Nothing is worse. Then she gets betrayed by her husband. In public. Pretty damn bad. Then she knows she is going to die, and that is something I think one can come to grips with, but how do you do that when you still have school-aged children you're leaving behind? So my chipper take away lesson from her life was "Things can always get worse. Bad stuff can keep darkening your doorstep."

Here's the thing: I don't want to think that way. I want to think positively and try to attract positive energy. I'm not always very good at that, but I guess I just need to keep trying.

So, yeah. I guess this is what a lot of people face in cancer struggles. Waiting for news. Receiving bad news sometimes. Rebounding from that and moving forward. That's all you can do I suppose.