It ain't what it ain't

I'll start with the good news.

On January 6th I had my MRI and follow-up appointment to look at my situation one year post-surgery. In sum, it looks good. They don't see any recurrence. That's always a pretty huge relief, really, though I think this time around I've been distracted by all these other wacky health issues so I didn't have time to get too nervous about THAT.

My radiation oncologist was accompanied by a resident, which is typical, but also a college freshman this time. He asked them (and me) if they wanted to feel the site on my (much) lower back where I'd been treated. The freshman was adorable. She had on a lab coat and was holding something very generic like, "The Handbook of Oncology" but she also had a folded-up copy of Eat, Pray, Love in her lab coat pocket. I guess this is the first time I've had someone with less education than me feeling my surgery site, but so be it I guess. Maybe in 10-12 years she will be a superstar oncologist and I will be clamoring to get an appointment with her and can remind her that I let her touch my backside while she was still deciding on her major.

Here's the not-so-good news: They called this past Friday and want me to have a chest CT scan because my chest x-ray (that I have at the same time as the MRI) showed a nodule on my lung. A nodule has shown up in the past and I've been told it's no biggie, but it's still somewhat alarming. And somewhat frustrating. And it's complicated by the fact that I can't have a CT or even an x-ray if I'm pregnant and that's what I'm attempting to be.

OK, so more hurdles. But I think I'm coming to a place of surrender, as the yogis like to say. Gratitude/Relief and Frustration/Fear have been like the Angel and Devil on my shoulders. I've vascillated between the two a lot in past few weeks. I often feel guilty for feeling frustrated by my circumstances since so many deal with so much worse, but then sometimes I just can't tamp down that frustration for very long. But on Friday it sort of dawned on me that this stuff is just my new reality for the next 4-5 years at least while I'm under a microscope. Scares are going to happen and I just need to deal.

"It is what it is" is probably my least favorite expression of the moment, but there it was on Friday, ringing true for me. I've always thought that statement expressed absolutely nothing, but I think I get it now. But I still don't like it.