Let's see, let's see, let's see....since I last blogged I've returned to work, started proton treatments again and have survived eight of them so far!
Work has been fine. As good as I am at doing nothing, it is nice to have somewhere purposeful to go each day. It was great to see friends too. Before I left I found it very difficult to focus. It was tough to find anything at work as important as everyone else seemed to think it was at the time. And sometimes I just found it annoying that they thought these things were important. I realize that this is kind of irrational. I was in my own world and that world did not place much importance on the marketing of scientific journals. Now though, I don't have the unknowns floating over my head, distracting me. That helps. It also helps that things were well taken care of while I was gone and it's the end of our fiscal year, so I feel I have a bit of a fresh start.
The return to radiation was another story. This time makes the last round feel like I was getting a hot stone treatment at Canyon Ranch. I knew it would be bad from the planning session and it really does not get much easier as time goes by. The only thing that's easier is that time IS going by, resulting in fewer treatments remaining. Three left. OF COURSE I'm counting.
The staff at the proton center have been extra nice to me this time around. They really are empathetic people, which helps. They always have my music ready and they let me pick a toy for C last week, which was fun. I've been going in the late afternoons this time around. At that time, there seems to be a prostate cancer club in the waiting area. There is a row of guys with bald heads and black socks, sitting in their gowns. They're pretty friendly with each other. I'm a little envious. It must be nice to have some peers there.
Yesterday was a little surreal. There was a boy I've seen a couple of times there, he's probably 9 or 10. He's a little nerdy, a little chubby, very friendly, very happy and he's lost some of his hair. Apparently, he's attending circus school. I didn't know that was available to kids. I thought it was just something you ran off to when you quit regular school at 17. That is, if you can't get into Dunkin Donuts University or the Olive Garden Cooking School in Tuscany (is the latter real? really?) Anyway, he whipped out a unicycle and started riding it around the waiting area. He could do modest tricks and everything. That was a first.
Misplaced anger of the week
My cousin, whom I haven't seen or spoken to in at least 20 years, sent me a prayer shawl knitted by women at her church. I don't know what it is about gifts like that, but I could barely look at it, It makes me resentful when I know I am supposed to be grateful. I know this is irrational (wow, I've been irrational TWICE in this post!). To me, I guess this shawl symbolizes dying and death and something a 90 year old dying person should have. It just felt inappropriate for a 36 year old who is trying to get through this phase of my life. I think some people forget (or don't understand) that so many people get cancer and there are so many different stages and experiences, that it doesn't always mean you're doomed or feverishly trying to pray your way out of doom. In fact, I've learned there's even a movement to stop pouring billions of dollars into trying to eradicate "cancer" and to instead invest that money into better treatment, early diagnosis, and improvement of quality of life for the millions of people living with cancer. We have already invested billions upon billions without a known "cure" so it's an interesting viewpoint. Nevertheless, I fully support both scientific research and prayer. Just not prayer shawls, I guess.
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