Yesterday was a tough day. I realized I've been compartmentalizing a lot of this experience and trying to muscle through each hurdle as it comes up with the ultimate goal of getting to my last treatment and putting all this behind me. It's a tactic that has worked well for me, and it's made everything OK. Sometimes I'll think back to one particular thing and think, "God that s*cked, I'm so glad that's over." but in the moment it wasn't so bad. Maybe because I had the end in my sights.
But after talking to the doctors yesterday I was faced with the fact that it's not really over on Wednesday. I still have the possibility of recurrence which affects when and how I try to have another child. Recurrence is not something I've given much thought to (thankfully), but when you don't think about the boogeyman very much, when he DOES pop into your head, he's pretty damn scary.
I was also told that I can't run anymore. I cried. I guess that takes care of my marathon dream. It was something I was looking forward to starting up again this summer. I guess in my uninformed medical opinion, six months after surgery sounded good to me. After he told me that, my running life flashed before my eyes. Don't get me wrong, I've never made my living by running. My fastest mile was probably 7:30 and I never got beyond 9 miles in a go. But it was fun. I had a lot of good races. I'd run in a lot of different places. It's something you can do anywhere, without any equipment and you feel good afterwards.
We talked a bit about the fragility of my pelvis due to the radiation (basically, if I break it, I'm in trouble) and the possibility of cancer in the future resulting from radiation.
Nothing we discussed was a surprise (except maybe the running part), but more of a reminder that there are things I have to look out for and be careful of and fear, to some degree.
I realized this isn't entirely over on Wednesday. My life is changed rather than interrupted.
So sorry about the running, AMG. What's the scoop on swimming? It's usually therapeutic ... and I'd bet you'd be great at it.
ReplyDeleteI was almost worried sending you that article yesterday, I could hear the blog now... "Oh great here is another article about a super-champion cancer survivor that didn't listen to their Doctors...", because I bet you get a lot of them. However it might be pretty fitting for you after reading this. So if you didn't read it look through your work email, it is from me.
ReplyDeleteAnd maybe you can run... when you feel ready. Obviously I don't want you to break your pelvis, and obviously any Dr should be listened to over me, however some people don't listen to it all... and do really well.
:)
@Lisa: Thanks for the sympathy. I am not too great at swimming, but I'm willing to try again. I can also bike again once it's comfortable. I do enjoy that too.
ReplyDelete@DW: Strangely, I haven't gotten too many of those articles and I love a good inspirational story, so I'm happy to read it. Re: medical advice, not sure how much to heed. Don't want to be stupid, but don't want to turn my life upside down either....
I'm sorry about the running, AMG, and you're right, your life is changed, but I truly believe that in many, many ways it will be changed for the better. That's been my experience anyway, and I hope it will be yours too xox
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