OK, so I've been feeling somewhat compelled to blog about this topic since last Thursday but I haven't been able to because it's, ahem, a sensitive subject. And hugely embarassing. So now you're thinking "Out with it, sounds juicy!"
If this is a truly a good, bad and ugly blog and hopefully one that no one is reading anymore (OK, not true, I do want people to read it, but if they happen to miss this post, I won't mind in the least), then I have to document the ups and downs of this whole experience.
In the weeks following surgery, I was pretty well convinced that the worst of this experience was over. And I've been feeling pretty good for the past couple of weeks and I'm feeling like I'm turning a corner. And on the whole, that was true then and is still true now. But, smack in the middle of all that, there was last Thursday.
I had my CT prep for radiation. Radiation starts back up on the 21st. The first time around wasn't so bad (except for the aftermath) and this time I've only got 11 post-op sessions compared to the 28 of last time. No problem, right?
Ah, but there's a wrinkle.
This time I'm going to be in a face-down position and I will have a catheter inserted where the sun don't shine. And last Thursday we had a practice session of that. And it was plum awful.
I used to wonder a couple of months back why my radiation oncologist told me several (like at least 4 or 5 times) about this catheter situation. I kind of blew it off then, since I was thinking more about the surgery. But now I get it. He told me numerous times to warn me, I think. But I don't think it quite sunk in. Maybe that's a good thing.
When this thing was being inserted it was painful, uncomfortable, embarassing and I felt kinda violated. As violated as one can feel by someone who is in no way violating you but is instead trying to save your life. And only as violated as one can feel during an insurance-approved procedure.
One of the radiologists assisting the doctor was asking me if I was OK and while I was saying yes, I was thinking "I am in no way OK. I have rarely been less OK in my life. OK does not in any way represent my current situation." But I still don't know what the appropriate response was? I knew I was going to survive this, if a little scarred.
But here's the rub, I have to endure this 11 more times b/c they will do this every time I get radiation.
You can be sure that I will be making X's on a calendar as each of those 11 sessions passes.
Sounds like a primal experience. What's the catheter for, exactly, and why wasn't it needed before the surgery? This could be a good technical diversion.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's one of those things you can learn to tolerate as it becomes familiar and you relax a bit. Obviously they knew it was going to be mind-expanding though, so maybe not. But hey, AMG, you can DO THIS!
The catheter balloon thingie is to block my bowels and such from radiation. I'm not entirely sure why I didn't need it before. Maybe because I'll be in a new position.
ReplyDeleteAMG, I'm so sorry to hear about this latest injustice.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about when they ask if 'everything is ok' and you're lying there, trying to be a good patient and saying, "oh yeah, ok!" when you are so totally not okay.
Good luck makimg it through. Will be thinking of you.
Yes - somethings sometimes you have to think "who invented this?" ", and why isn't there a better way?"
ReplyDeleteThat must be a pretty cool balloon if it is blocking radiation.
I also imagine having it done in a practice round has got to be worse than the real thing. So I am sure it will get better, well, less worse.
I think you will need to get some more chocolate.
Ok, so all in all it could be worse right? I guess they are asking you if it was ok for being raped with a balloon. I heard that's how Bobo the clown got started incidentally. Well, you know the first time you got stuck with a needle? It was the worst thing in the world and you couldn't imagine getting stuck again but then it was ok. I think getting a catheter in the bum is the same thing.
ReplyDeleteThe good thing about getting cathetered in the bum as opposed to the pee-hole is that you are less likely to introduce infections in there. I was cathetered twice in my wee wee and got an infection that I had to take the strongest antibiotics they had for 3 months straight 3 times a day to get rid of it. I'm not saying it isn't awful or that mine was worse, I'm just saying there are worse and possibly more uncomfortable places to stick that thing.
Maybe it would make you feel better if they made balloon animals with it first before putting it in?