Someone saved my life

I don't think you all know how I found out about the chordoma, but for those who do know, sorry for the repetition.

When I was pregnant with C, they did their usual ultrasounds and found a cyst on my ovary. The short of it is that it was totally benign. I ended up having minor surgery for it, but they didn't even remove it. No biggie.

Anyway, in that process I had an MRI. And this growth on my tailbone showed up. At the time, I had an infant, was about to have this other surgery, and was about to go back to work after my maternity leave. So I waited to follow this thing up. Not a smart move in hindsight, but luckily for me, this did not really adversely affect my prognosis 18 months later, when I did follow up. Nevertheless, lesson learned. I will follow any and everything up. And I hope you will do the same.

My point is that, if I hadn't gotten pregnant with C, this whole chain of events would never have been set in motion and I wouldn't be starting my treatments now. Things could have gotten bad before I found out.

So maybe she saved my life.

While I *felt* ready to get pregnant when I did, I wasn't quite ready. But who is, right? One Thursday night I was drinking a stiff caipirinha and the next morning I was faced with the reality that I really shouldn't have coffee, and I was due to go out for drinks with a big group of friends that night so how do I manage that? Oh, and social smoking was finito as well.

Nevertheless, I had a good pregnancy and an amazing delivery and then this little person came home with us. Whoah, we weren't ready for that either! She cried. A LOT. I spent a month struggling to breastfeed her but she wasn't having it. Then I felt guilty and inadequate when I gave up because all the other mommies were. VERY often she would vomit the ENTIRE contents of a bottle on me. (No, not spit up. I'm not exaggerating when I say VOMIT. WHOLE. BOTTLE.). I went to mothers' groups where all the mothers said their babies were "pretty mellow" and C would be screaming in the background.

I think I spent 9+ months preparing for pregnancy and delivery but not for what comes after. Another lesson learned.

Still, let's face it, I loved this kid. Around 2.5 months we took her to the Berkshires for the weekend and she was an angel. At around 4 months she was getting to be smiley and playful. At around 6 months I came home from a business trip and she was starting to sit up and move around and just amaze me. And she continues to do so every day.

Don't get me wrong. Now she's a toddler. I get frustrated that she doesn't want to eat anything but cookies and raviolis. And she's not immune to a good tantrum now and then.

But she is delightful. I'm so incredibly grateful she came along no matter what, but I can't help thinking that maybe she came for a reason. I don't know. But that amazes me too.