My body, myself

Could there be a more self-absorbed title for this?  I think not.  But that is what this is all about: my body's evolution over the past few years. 

Two kids, one major surgery and 32 radiation sessions later, I feel like my body is starting to come back to me.  Oh, it's not the same as it was.  It never will be what it was circa '01-'02 when I was doing 3-4 short triathlons a year.  That was probably the peak of my fitness.  But, I'm getting back to a place where I feel a little more comfortable with myself, and that feels good.

As anyone who's had a kid past the age of 32 may know, your body doesn't quite bounce back like an elastic as it might at say, 22?  After my first, I was pretty overwhelmed with first-time parenthood and I recall eating a lot of chocolate covered cranberries or something from Trader Joes.  Eight months after giving birth I still had almost 20 extra pounds on, so I sucked it up and did Weight Watchers online.  I lost 10 and kinda stalled from there, but it was a start.

In fall of 2009, I found out about chordoma and my fitness was about the furthest thing from my mind.  I just wanted to literally make it out alive.  I did lose some weight when I found out.  I never stopped eating, but I think stress can burn fat like nobody's business.  I remember when my first round of radiation was almost done though, I was grousing about getting weighed by the nurse and saying, which I almost always do, that I weigh less on my home scale, and she said that I should eat a lot over the holidays and not worry about my weight.  I needed to be healthy while I was doing radiation.  I kinda relished that.

I never quite got back up on the fitness wagon before I got pregnant again in early '11.  But that was OK. 

Now that I've been post-partum for a while, I've started getting back in the saddle.  I have been trying to walk during my lunch hours.  I've been trying to eat a little bit better.  I've been trying to get to yoga once a week.  It's helping, but even better than that, the process feels good.

I feel like I'm reclaiming my body after it kinda felt kidnapped from me for a good five years or so.  Oh sure, it's not what it was.  Gravity has taken it's toll even after what little nursing I did do.  If I suck in my stomach, it's a bit, um, wrinkly.  And I guess there is some aesthetic purpose to a tailbone, even if it is just an evolutionary remnant, because my butt is just flat now.  It didn't used to be that way.  Oh, and there's that fairly large scar up my back.

Do I care about all this?  Not really.  My body is in working order.  It does what I tell it to do most of the time and these days the majority of my pants fit.   In that sense, it's perfect. and once again, I'm grateful.