Avoidance

OK, I had a weird exchange at work today with a colleague I consider myself to be friendly with (not going-to-lunch friendly, but friendly enough).

To protect the innocent I will pick this up mid-conversation so, apologies for the lack of context:

[Comparing me to another colleague] Him: "Well, she's had a rough time of it lately."
Me: "You don't even know." [referencing my own recent rough time]
Him: "Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know about that."
Me {surprised}: "You do?"
Him "Yeah." "Say, what have you been up to, I haven't seen you at my local liquor store lately." [Conversation trails into banality]

So, I'm not sure what to make of this. Does he really know? Or, is he referencing something else entirely that I am unaware of? And, if he does know, wouldn't he acknowledge it? Am I making a bigger deal out of all of this in my head b/c it's been consuming my life for most of the last month? I'm not asking for an Edible Arrangement (though that would be yummy, especially the one with the chocolate-dipped stuff). I'd just like some acknowledgement of the situation like a "Sorry, that sucks." and then I'd be happy to move straight on to the liquor store conversation. Did he avoid saying anything b/c we were in an open area and he was afraid I didn't want others to know?

This leads nicely into the topic du jour, which is a recent lesson I've learned from this experience.

Ready?

Avoidance makes people think you don't care.

Yeah, it seems pretty obvious, right? You're probably thinking, "I know that you big dummy-face!" Here's the thing though....I was an avoider too! And I consider myself a caring person and one who is not totally self-centered. But when dealing with friends or acquaintances whom I knew had experienced some kind of loss, or major hardship or whatever, I was pretty chicken. Part of me was afraid that bringing up a sad topic would make that person sad (or maybe that was my excuse for my lameness) and part of me just couldn't come up with any words in situations like the death of a family member. There really are no words for that. So I could choke out a "I'm so sorry." but I couldn't get much beyond that. And let's face it, it's difficult and awkward to bring up subjects that involve personal pain.

But now I know the secret: avoidance is so much worse! When you haven't acknowledged something major going on in someone's life (crisis, loss of loved one, divorce, illness, whatever), it feels to that person like you don't care or you don't think that major thing is major enough to mention. To that person, it's like you haven't given it any thought. And most of the time, that's the exact opposite to how you feel. So lately I've been thinking of some of my past avoidances and I regret them. Now I see them as missed opportunities.

So, with my present circumstance, I have been really impressed by the people who have gone out of their way just to say something out of the blue. It means a lot, because I know it's not easy to make that phone call not knowing what to expect on the other end. It takes courage I didn't have.

I hope learning this has changed me for good. I hope I am a reformed avoider.